Cheers to Not Dying

A reminder that survivorship isn't linear

The last few weeks have been rocky. I thought I was past this chapter but here I am. Another cancer scare, another biopsy, another reminder that survivorship is never a straight line.

Many of my close family and friends are learning this for the first time here. I kept it close to the chest because honestly, the weight of it was too heavy to carry out loud. As I’m continuing to share my experience, I’m learning my triggers as I go. So if this is news to you, know that I love you.

As a cancer survivor, the fear of recurrence is quiet, but constant. It lingers in the background, a whisper I try to silence. Suddenly, it wasn’t a whisper — It was a cyst in my right breast.

“But didn’t you have a mastectomy?” Yep, sure did. Which is why I was rattled when the nurse pointed out a shadow on the ultrasound screen. How could this even happen?

The fact is, no surgeon can remove every single breast cell. Even the most aggressive surgeries leave microscopic cells behind. Left over cells can still form things like cysts, fat necrosis, scar tissue — and yes, in some cases, even new cancers.

I managed to remain level headed throughout my ultrasound, but when the radiologist pulled me in a room, sat me down, and told me they wanted to biopsy, panic set in.

I was immediately sucked into a time warp, back into the room where I first heard “it’s cancer”. Time slowed, and the only words I could manage were “I can’t do this again”. I can handle a lot. I’ve been through more than most my age. But this? This felt like a cruel joke.

Everything in my being rejected the idea of going through treatment again. But deep down, I knew I’d do it if I had to.

I called my surgical oncologist immediately. Even though I’m now out of network, my team at Bedford Breast Center stepped up. One of the lead surgeons performed the biopsy herself. If I had to start this process over, there’s no team I’d rather have by my side.

After almost a week of waiting, the call finally came.

🎉✨FAT NECROSIS! BENIGN!✨🎉

Relief washed over me… but only for a moment.

The greater weight of recurrence doesn’t subside. Truthfully, I’m not sure it ever will.

I don’t look up statistics on triple negative recurrence anymore. I did when I was initially diagnosed, and it didn’t do my mental health any favors. I choose to believe that I’m not a statistic. Now, if only someone could tell my anxiety that. 🙂

I’m still here, and thats what matters. Maybe the fear will never fully dissipate, but it reminds me to live fully, show up authentically, and stay rooted in gratitude.

If you’re a survivor navigating the aftermath of cancer, you don’t have to carry it alone! There’s community waiting for you. Join the conversation at r/YouSurvivedNowWhat

Cheers to not dying!